Why I Cried While Watching Ironman 3

I was so tired. I wanted to go straight to bed. I did not have the energy to wash my face and remove all the make-up. I managed to take my shoes off though. But it was Mother's Day! And Ironman has been waiting. And my Ironic Man has been arranging for this date for two weeks now.

So I freshened up, still donned the new threads (Mother's Day gift from hubba-bubba), and without apology told the bigger kids their parents were catching the 10:30pm screening. Thank You, Lord that the two babies were already asleep! 'Cause if they weren't, husband and I might have to catch the last full show. I'll be a Zombie by then.

With a lot of not-worth-mentioning food in our arms, we were able to sit together (on our last attempt last May 1, there were still available seats, sure, but we can't sit together).  I was going to give a review of the movie but I don't think I will be objective here. I have been a fan of Robert Downey Jr. and I have not given much attention to details of the film, except him.

[Photo from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1300854/]

I loved how the screenplay writers Drew Pearce and Shane Black (also the director) have kept the personality of Tony Stark (the lead character played by Downey) intact. Even if much transformation has taken place in his life since Ironman 1 and 2, Stark still exuded with a lot of genius, spunk, and confidence, that sometimes his being overly-enthusiastic and confident, gets humbled by a lot of fumbles–human, error-laden moments just to establish that this perfect guy is faulty too. I know that showing the dark or the weak side of the protagonist has been the trend in super hero movies. I think the approach in humanizing the superhuman is here to stay. The kids who used to marvel at Marvel heroes are now the daddies who take their own children to the movie houses. The men now have a springboard to educate (or expose) their kids about fantasy and reality, and probably introduce them to the fact that heroism doesn't have to be supernatural.

I was crying in some scenes of Ironman 3. I thought I'd be able to relax, be amused and be emotionally-detached. No, the film wasn't a tear-jerker. I was sobbing because Robert Downey reminded me so much of my brother, my older and only brother who passed on last March. Maybe it's just me but I can't help see  the resemblance.  Maybe it's the eyes, or the brows, or his mouth, or the beard and moustache.

[Left: My brother TJ Joson aka Tony Rey; Right: Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark in Ironman 3; Downey's photo from http://blog.palmpartners.com/tag/robert-downey-jr/]

Never mind that my brother's name is also Tony (Rey). I just felt, as I sort of anticipated, I missed him so terribly as I viewed the film.

I remember when my Papa passed away. The first film I got to watch, with my husband and two kids (then) was Shrek 2. I did not expect it but I was ambushed by grief during the scene where the Frog King was on his death bed!

Grief attacks you anywhere. Even as you are watching a cartoon, or a movie based on a comic book. It affects your thinking, your eating, your health. It trudges on as it tramples upon your relationships, and your need to hold on to one, and let go of another, or want to gain a new one, and reject one that has absolutely nothing rejectable in it.

I can refuse monstrous grief to overtake and overwhelm me. At the same time, I cannot deny how little pockets of grief can occupy short but frequent time slots of my waking hours. I have learned to expect the strong effects of losing someone close, such that when the unpredictable sorrow captures my attention, I am no longer as enslaved to its power.

Ironman 3 is about superior intelligence and giftedness that is paired with a weakness or disability and when used without morals, and fear of God, and respect of man, can no longer be a wanted favor, but a dreaded curse. Like grief, we can use events, experiences, our talents, and abilities to do good and be good; to do better, and be better. And we don't even have to wear a suit. Or be extra smart. 

If it's any indication, I must've liked the movie so much, I tried to squeeze into the next days, never mind if I watched it in many parts, "The Avengers". I felt so terrible to have missed that!

Knocked Down But Not Quite

This was how I managed to run and take time to smell take a pic of the flowers.

I do not want to disturb my running time, but these flowers were almost like fluorescent yellow as dusk was  taking over. I had to stop. Or at least slow down. This area is usually the point at which I feel like giving up after a steep uphill climb. The flowers gave me reason to recover.

Another No-other Nanay Day (Part 2/2)

[Continued from "Another No-other Nanay Day" (Part 1/2)]

Very much motivated, I tried to shake off all the shaking of my flesh as sleep has evaded me. I got up from bed and remembered I had to finish the earrings I was making so I could have something red in my outfit. Black, white and red was the color motif for the Praise and Worship Team. I had to go to the girls' room to locate my crochet bag which I remember my 13yo borrowed before I dozed off (now I onow why). As I opened the door, lo and behold, down on the floor by the hallway, in the dark, I could see two big white bags and this beautiful work of art attached to them. Aha! My husband was able to squeeze in some shopping for my outfit for today and my eldest took the time to create this.

I did not get to wear the beautiful black top and much-coveted white pants which was on my mental "When I have extra money, I will buy myself a..." Wish List, that morning. But I wore it for the evening service.

My eldest and I caught the 7am call time, and with God's enabling, finished the first of the three sessions we were going to do that day. Here, we were enjoying a special Mother's Day breakfast date. I mix-matched the left and right parts of the two images. The first one is what I call the happy mix.

This next, was what my son called scary. Husband, my eldest daughter, and the two babies followed to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, and Ina (mom-in-law) and some friends came too.

After the second service, we went home for lunch and tried to rest. But I thought that if I was going to wear the black blouse my hubby gave me for the vesper service, I should have something red around my neck. So I worked on a necklace that matched my earrings. I should be taking a nap but I thought I'd be able to finish this one in a jiffy. My artist-hubby and budding-artist daughter collaborated with me in designing this. In exchange for a nap, here's what I call Nanay's Motherhood Necklace. It had a big circle, and four smaller ones.

As we waited for the evening service to start, my 13yo showed me her nails. Now, who wouldn't feel special with this nail art in honor of her Nanay?

It was a full day of meaningful worship time and I got a lot of loving from the kids. 

These two babies (our second set) may not know it, but their smiles were packages of joy I open up every moment I need to be reminded that mothering is also about receiving much, sometimes even outweighing the much that you give.

Dinner at my in-laws followed after the evening service and even if I wanted to plop myself down like a rag doll in bed, and not move for 10 straight hours, I couldn't miss the Movie Date my hubby had been wanting to have. Finally, we were going to see Ironman 3! 

So that's how it concluded. I fell asleep (as I expected) in some parts of the film, though I really thought it was wonderful (a Nanay review soon!), but I sat through it and while munching on some Mother's Day junk food, I hugged the Lord in thanksgiving for the perfect-for-me guy He richly blessed me with. I am the mother I am, only because he is the father that he is. We make a mighty good team. By God's grace alone, of course. And I will always be gratefully elated that he cooperated much with my deep longing to be the Nanay of his children. 

Another No-other Nanay Day (Part 1/2)

Couldn't sleep. Mother-child pairs were going to lead the singing in church the whole Mother's Day and my eldest and I were one of the tandems. It has been quite a while since the last time I stood in front of an audience in church. That must've been Mother's Day 2010 when I shared my motherhood story. Though what we were doing as songleaders wasn't a performance, I had the jitters. Last time I sang on stage was at our high school reunion last December. However, for Mother's Day, there was going to be a lot of prompting for the congregation to sing, and I was assigned to be at the helm. I don't remember having done this ever at all. I kept waking up every hour anticipating the 5am alarm. I kept checking the clock or my phone and by 3am I decided I might as well get up if I wake up at 4am to spare me another hour of restless sleep. 

So I got up at around 4am, and right beside me, on top of my computer was a letter and a crocheted heart ring. I was in tears as I read the last paragraph. Wasn't this what I was asking the Lord to help me in? 

I decided to wear the heart ring the whole day. It was a reminder of how much I was loved and appreciated. 

With the ring, came this little note.

What a way to jumpstart that special day! I have been lacking sleep for the past days, and physically I wasn't at my peak. But the messages boosted me up with energy and enthusiasm. 

I must constantly remind myself the powerful truth that a young lady, and 3 other young hearts (and minds) are watching me, ever so closely, perhaps even noticing the little steps I make towards being the mother God wants me to be, and learning a little or emulating a lot. 

Cannot Escape Breakfast

After breaking the 21-day habit on Day 3 (ha!), I needed a fresh start last Saturday morning. But I had to rush to a songleading rehearsal for Mother's Day Worship Services the next day.  So what does my ulirang asawa (exemplary spouse) do?  He brews me coffee and packs some papaya, and kakanin (rice cakes) like palitaw (sprinkled with muscovado instead of white sugar), biko and putong puti.  I wanted to skip coffee as I needed to have an itch-free throat, and the ability to nap and make up for lost sleep. But surely, I can't have the sweet stuff without my morning black coffee! (Cutting-down-on-sugar Tip: If you're eating something sweet with coffee or tea, skip the cream and sugar in your drink. You'll have a new appreciation of both the raw but powerful taste of coffee, and the originally-intended sweetness of your dessert.)




Are these rice cakes vegan?  Let's see what is in them to find out.

Palitaw (my favorite) or Rice Dumplings is sticky rice, grated coconut, sugar and sesame seeds.  To make it less evil, sprinkle some brown sugar or muscovado (molasses) instead of white sugar.

Biko (my husband's fave) is sticky rice, coconut milk and a lot of brown sugar.

Putong Puti (described by my 18yo son as mochi kakanin) has basically again, sticky rice, some salt, baking powder and white sugar in there. Substituting white sugar with brown will however make it Putong Kayumanggi.

I'm no fan of kakanin, but I'm a fan of the fan of kakanin. My sweet-toothed hubby has introduced me to a whole new world of sweets including native cakes, thank God, most of which are vegan. Eggs are frequently used as toppings you can scrape off if you're strict. And often, the milk used in native cakes is gata or coconut milk. And that's not just healthy but yummy. Don't want to escape that.

Stitching Stitch

Last Thursday (Friday morning), I slept at 3am and got up at 8:47am to help my 13yo finish crocheting a birthday gift for her friend.  Yup, it's Stitch, the alien character of Disney's "Lilo and Stitch".  Some movie my daughter grew up with. Her friend was turning 14, and owns this humongous stuffed toy of Stitch so this was a giant indicator that her friend would love a handmade miniature version. If my 18yo mixes music or prints shirts or writes a poem or designs a card for his friends' birthdays, this daughter of mine majors in knitting, making pompoms, bead jewelry like earrings and rings, and crocheting amigurumis. What are Am...am..gummybearumis?

Kaya lang the pattern my daughter found was an upsized amigurumi.  She did not realize how big it was until she was running out of yarn. So excuse the leg warmers (had to resort to powder blue).You can find the pattern here Thanks to Shannen Nicole Chua of Sweet N Cute Creations!

We tried not to wake up Tatay (my husband) as we giggled whenever we made mistakes, and told stories just to keep us awake. I had lots of pending deadlines but everything is pushed aside whenever this daughter of mine asks for my help. I thought these were opportunities when a young heart gets tender and teachable. I wanted more moments like this. It can get frustrating as I'd like to have more time to get her to run with me, or choreograph some dance moves together, or try more difficult guitar chords, or play better badminton. I've been wanting to mentor her more through a regular DDD (this is what we call our Darling Daughter Date) studying the Word of God, and praying for each other  just like old times. Since she went to mainstream school (I homeschooled her from birth to 5th grade), and my youngest was born, I couldn't find much focused time with her. This makes me really sad.

Then I recall how it was with my mom and me. I am very happy that I am close to her. I would tell her that I would mother my children exactly the way she mothered me. Of course, with a little improvement. Mama did not mentor me the way I wanted to have been, maybe that's why I wanted to  something more towards this daughter of mine. Mama did not teach me every crochet or embroidery stitch. She refused to orient me on Kapampangan cuisine, when I asked her to give me cooking lessons. She said I will eventually learn when I marry, and when I am forced to cook. But she modeled all the arts and the crafts (and the repairing of torn garments, broken or dirty stuff), and the character I often surprisingly find myself doing, emulating and being.  More is really caught than taught. 

But I also remember the many times when she would stop what she was doing to answer my queries.  She would teach me a new thing or two with the needle. Even in writing business letters, or relating to people, she would coach me with the exact words to say. I think that Mama was a woman of wonderful timing. She would always seize the day. She was not an ally of procrastination. One would really know she must be dead-tired to leave something undone.

As I pulled the needles, looped the yarn, prickled myself numerous times with the pins, and gently held my daughter's hands to guide her, I was asking God to help me be a good example to my child. I won't always have the luxury of being able to puyat (staying up late), but I will show her that there are reasons worth the puyat. 

If my mother who was a busy career woman had such a great positive impact on my life, I think I could have the same on my children, even more.  When I was running out of energy and time for family because I was attending to my sick brother, I wanted them to aim to be a sibling who sacrificially cares.  Whenever I would do anything and everything to help my parents out with work they needed, I was hoping they would desire to be helpful loving sons and daughters. Whenever I go out of my way to meet with friends, and celebrate their happy events with them, or grieve with them in their losses, I am beseeching God to create in them a longing to be loyal, faithful friends. And as I mother my daughter, and live out life day to day, I pray I will model excellence, not so much perfection. I pray that God enables me to train her to be godly and gracious, not self-righteous and overbusy. To influence her to hate laziness, and love productivity. To inspire her to pursue eternal values, and shun temporal happiness. 

I wish I had all the time to do this.  This is something I cannot postpone.  Growing up cannot be procrastinated. It happens so fast.  It happens right now. 

And then, Mother's Day came.

So This Is What I Have Been Eating

Friday (May 10) breakfast: Melon, Papaya, Garlic Malunggay Whole Wheat Bread. So good with Black Coffee. Had to stay awake. Had to finish daughter's crochet project (writing about this next) due at 2pm.

Lunchtime came, and for my 13yo and me to get to the birthday meeting place on time and not run out of "coding window time," I had to hurriedly eat this wonderful Veggie Sauce Spaghetti by Tatay.  Has tomatoes, olives, onions, mushrooms and zucchini.  I think I will marry this man again and again, even if he doesn't ask me to.

 

My 3yo got stuck with me in Eastwood as we took 13yo to meet her friends.  So from 3 to 7pm, I drank Peppermint Tea at Coffee Bean, and had some Mrs. May's Pumpkin Crunch at Starbucks while 3yo drank some Silk Soy Milk. There was no regular flavor available then, so we had to settle for the Vanilla kind.  But it was too sweet for this vegan baby. =( I was getting famished but tonight was Growth Group night and we were having a surprise birthday celebration for one of the mommies. I tried to control myself.

Growth Group dinner was a feast and the healthy Spinach-Tofu-Mushroom Fried Dumpling we brought (as invented by Tatay and executed by my 18yo son) was probably the only vegan choice. But I indulged in the many other treats. No pictures just truths. Calamares, Pancit Palabok (scraping off all the delectable meat and egg in there, as if it can be totally done away with), Balao-balao (Burong Hipon or Fermented Rice and Shrimps) with Mustasa (Mustard Leaves) and Eggplant, and shared a Banapple Mushroom Cheese Empanada with husband. Black Coffee can't stand the loneliness so a scoop of Kesong Puti Ice Cream (my first time to taste this!) and a little of the birthday girl's favorite Mocha Cake had to join in.  I tried, believe me, not to feel guilty.  I was full.  And the fellowship, meaningful.

What Have I Been Eating?

It doesn't seem to work. This Food Diary-Blog. But I'm not giving up. The past 5 days have been so hectic, and sleepless, there wasn't any time to work on the blog, specially jotting down what I ate. I tried to take pictures though.

This was breakfast last Thursday (May 9).  Tri Colori Camowti.  Papaya.  Black Coffee.  A little Olive Oil Spread.  Not that little, I confess.

Lunch - Greens with Sauce of Tatay's Slow-Cooked Chicken in Tomato Sauce (Tasted like Gourmet Afritada)

Snack - White Cheddar Popcorn (Daughter is to blame again, haha!), Pineapple Cucumber Juice

Dinner - Pasta with Vegetable Sauce

I resisted the Ube Piyaya but I'm sorry, I gave in to some Dark Chocolate. It was really blech-bitter so I had to take small bits of regular chocolate with it. The sugar kept me awake to finish a birthday project of my teenage daughter for her friend.

Why Do I Procrastinate?

Why do I postpone accomplishing a task?

I have no energy left.

I have more urgent, more important things to do or people to attend to.

I take time for granted.

The bed is calling me.

The rooster is already crowing.

I am lazy.

I'd rather not do it at all.

I do not have all that is required to do the work.

I am not ready.

I am scared of failing.

I resist risks and failures.

I don't want to start something I cannot finish.

I want things perfectly done, and it can't be.

I have a better plan.

I took somebody's wise advice.

I didn't heed somebody's advice.

I'd rather do something else.

I'm too overwhelmed.

I plan an overly tight schedule.  Things get bumped off.

I am too emotional now.

I am sick.

I need somebody's help.

I got stood up.

I have to work on my backlog first.
I am too distracted.
I think I'll do a better job tomorrow.
I do not fear the consequences.
I do not take things seriously.
I take things too seriously.
I never run out of reasons to.


Why do YOU procrastinate?

What Did I Just Eat (Yesterday)?

When you give birth in your 40s, it is much harder to go back to your pre-pregnant weight.  Wait, I meant that for women who love Carbs and Sweets like me. It is taking more time (much longer time) for me to fit back into my pre-big belly jeans compared to 2 years ago, after giving birth to my 3rd child. I can blame the food (the not-as-strict vegan diet), the age, the metabolism, the great husband-cook, the stress, the circumstances, the crisis of cancer in the family, the hormones, the neighbor's cat, my too-small-like-it-shrank pre-big belly jeans, everything. It's a mix of factors–including lack of discipline, grief, your children's busy schedule, lactation, and rainy weather, or the hot sun. It can also be because of being hard on yourself. And procrastination. So here's my attempt to go back to keeping a Food Diary.  Having it online (and public) might just give that needed push, or somehow spoil my appetite, and inflate my shame. I tried the My NetDiary app and it was helpful for a few days. Let's see if this works.

Red Watermelon, Orange Kamote (Sweet Potato), and Purple Kamote for a colorful breakfast.  And uhm, black coffee. The Purple stuff was actually what my 3yo thought she could still finish. It went through the grinder to make it more interesting. 

Snack- Slices of Guava

Lunch - Greens & Eggplant from Tot's Chicken Parmigiana (Was so yummy, I was halfway done when I remembered I should've taken a pic!)

Snack - White Cheese Popcorn my 13yo was munching (Yeah, it's just flavoring but still cheese. Irresistible!); Watermelon

Late Dinner - Steamed Eggplant & Okra with the Parmigiana mushroom sauce (Can't help it, some free-range chicken bits wanted to sabit along.)

Fluids- Pure calamansi juice (my first drink in the morning, 6-8 calamansi fruits), 8 glasses of water, 1 mug of black coffee, 1 glass of coconut juice with Live Green

I did not give in to: Piyaya, pasalubong of Ate Fely (our laundry woman who came home fr Iloilo. Yay, she's back!) and the 85% Cacao Dark Chocolate bar Tot brought home from the Aracamas. I had to turn away and cover my head with a pillow!

Catching the Sun

It's 6:55am. I would rather stay in bed.  Or fix this blog. I need to change the text font. Husband says it's hard to read. But I must go out and meet the sun. I planned to run yesterday afternoon. But there was a heavy downpour.

I would rather have a happy breakfast with the babies and husband (the two teens are still asleep). Husband always prepares something good for all of us, and likes having a relaxed time of eating and chatting and catching up. But I remembered I spent so much time syncing my phone and downloading music for a new playlist for running. That got me excited. 

Run I must. One last month and the rainy season trickles in, sometimes, a lot of times, storms the country. So catch the sun I must. And catch a sunny breakfast.

Product of Procrastination

Maybe tomorrow.

I wonder if there was any living creature who never procrastinated.

It has been a little over a year since my Kuya (older brother, my only brother) was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer.  I told myself this sad sad sad news should push me to finally finally finally start a new blog.

Some friends have urged me to put it up, suggesting various topics to cover.  But the journey has been tough.  You would know why as you read more from this blog.  I must not procrastinate.  Please don't.

Come by again.

Maybe tomorrow?